“How was the birth???”

<long pause>

Pain Management 

A lot of People think they’re entitled to an opinion on how your family brought your child into the world. What makes all these little opinions so difficult is they never actually come from strangers. It’s family, it’s friends, it’s people who are in your entourage.

Pain management during labour is up there.

“oh, you know, opioids can cross the placenta, and the baby can be born sleepy.”

K. I did know, actually. 

“Oh, I could never do it without the epidural!” 

K. Don’t? 

“Oh, so you didn’t really give birth.”

Pardon my French here but this one can fuck all the way off and it’s okay to say that to someone who said it to you.

Midwife, doctor, home birth. For every choice you made: a judgement. Every body is different, every family is different, everyone’s wants are different! 

I asked early on if I could have a scheduled c-section, but my doctor was like, “Nooooo and you don’t want one. The healing is much more straightforward in a natural birth.” But, y’know, I was afraid; the only story I’d heard about birth was my mother’s and how she gripped the doctor’s hand, stared into his eyes and told him… he would never [redacted] her again. 

I will definitely ask you how the birth was, but not because I want to run through your choices as a “ouh, that, eh?”. Rather because I think it’s important we share our stories about it. Birth is intense, no matter how it came about. I do want you to know, though, you don’t owe me (or anyone) your birth story. I wasn’t there and I won’t be there every night for the next twenty years at 4AM. 

Feeding

This is another one people love to ask about. “Are you <long pause, pointed look at your chest, whisper> breastfeeding?” 

“Do you think they’re getting enough?”

“Oh, did you try, though?” 

Oooh, let me channel Salt n Pepa here for a second.

It’s none of your business.

That’ll be in my head for days, now. 

Likely, if you’re here reading my Journal, you’re a new parent of some kind (or my mom, hi mom!) and so I don’t need to tell you, but I just want people to give a wee think before asking someone something that might be a difficult thing to answer. 

Some parents wanted to nurse and could not. Some parents knew they couldn’t for reasons they don’t love sharing. A fed baby is the goal, how they get there? Not something one should have to defend. 

Sleep

“You have to sleep train, it’s the only thing that works.”

“Oh wow, you sleep trained? I could never just listen to my baby cry”

One of my favourite topics but also one I know loads of people struggle with. Drowsy but awake. Cry it out. Never cry it out. Chair method. Crib. Bassinette. Co-Sleep. Room-In. Dark room naps. Bright room naps. Contact naps.  

If an option exists, someone thinks it’s right, and someone else thinks it’s dead wrong. 

You know what’s right? The one that gets your family sleeping. Tired parents are testy parents, and yes, you’re going to be tired no matter what, but there’s tired with yawns, and there’s tired with seeing things moving that aren’t there out of the corner of your eye. 

Everyone is doing their best; everyone wants children to grow up happy and safe and healthy. How we get there is so varied, almost like it’s an individual thing.

Going back to Work

“You took how long off? Wow, must be nice.”

“You don’t want to just stay home with them for a while?”

It’s funny how quickly we forget about paying rent when we can judge someone about how soon they had to go back to work. Or how some people just need the structure in their lives of an office and a task. Or how some people worked really hard for their career and aren’t ready to walk away from it for a full year! 

Daycare

“How could you leave him with someone else all day, he’s so young!” 

“You know, if he doesn’t get enough socializing in, he’ll be weird.”

Okay, so I am writing these down, and I am reading them in the voice of the people who said them to me and my goodness, are we ever between a judgmental rock and hard place. Maybe it’s both/and. Maybe he’s with someone else all day and it’s good for him and it hurts but it’s right. Or maybe you’re torn up about it but don’t have another choice, or maybe he gets his hat and yells BAH BYE??? At precisely 7:15 every morning because he prefers daycare to being home. 

Hiring Help

“We just asked my mother to help us. We didn’t have to hire anyone!” 

Okay, this one I do have a strong opinion on. Not because I think you should hire me; that’s up to you, we might not vibe. Outsource whatever you don’t love, whatever you can afford. Protect your wellbeing. 

In closing, gentle readers… 

What’s the matter with your life?

Why you gotta mess with mine?

Don’t keep sweatin’ what I do

‘Cause I’m gonna be just fine