The Opinions

A parent tells me they’re going to let their baby cry it out, and I can feel my opinion rising before they’ve finished the sentence, a thing that happens less now than it used to but never stops happening entirely. The books and the studies and the informations run through my brain like the RoadRunner all ‘meep meep’ and I have to button my trap before I spill it all out, overwhelming the parent and stepping on their thoughts.

The objective is not to win an argument. It’s to ask about their nights and let them tell me about the four trips down the hall, the in-law’s advice, the friends whose babies apparently sleep for five hours at a stretch, and somewhere in the telling they usually find their own way to the version of the plan they can live with, sometimes the cry-it-out method and sometimes a bassinet moved six feet closer to the bed. It’s not my place to share my opinion – I’m there to help them find theirs, make sure they’re happy with their choices and can be in a place of “this is what I want to do” rather than “this is what so-and-so thinks I should do.”

Used to think what people need was information. Turns out a lot of it is just shutting my gob longer than feels natural, just enough for someone to hear themselves.

The people who raised me were talkers: the kind who’d have an opinion in your lap before you’d finished explaining the problem, and some days I can feel that in my own skin. What I have learned over time (in life and in doulaing) is that the fastest way to shut someone down is telling them they’re doing it wrong (whatever “it” is).

Do I have an opinion on sleep training, sleep shaping, cry-it-out, 5 S-ing, fading, extinction, sleep crutches, et. al.? I have one, of course; most parents do. It doesn’t matter what it is, because what works in my house is not going to be what works in yours, because my opinions aren’t your opinions, and because (and this is important) it’s none of my gosh-darned business what a family does raising their child (barring dangerous practices, natch).

So please, tell me that you’re thinking of sleep training, co-sleeping, bed-sharing, getting one of those wake-up lights. And tell me why, and tell me you’re confident in your choice. I’m not going to judge you either way.